“Take a leap of faith on your dreams, not for me and not for the society, just for yourself.”

― Vinay Garg

I was left on Earth to deal with my own insecurities, and when things went wrong, to assume it was just bad luck. Instead of blaming the Universe, God, my parents, or the neighbors, I had to accept my own mistakes and made them fit into a capsule of time or a tablet that got swollen with cold water on an empty stomach. I was taking everything that came on my way straight in my chest battling those unwinning wars. I had to take a day at a time instead and use the grinding machine to get the struggles smaller and the heavy burdens cracked in pieces. I heard many times the story of the jar filled with stones, pebbles, sand, and water, and I referred to that example to realize that there was always room for something additional in my life. I was stuck with sharp stones and the daily routine that I forgot how to respond to the small events in my life, to laugh, to cry, and to enjoy every moment that passed. I had to transform an uncomfortable piece of rock, into soft sand, and hold it in my palm without getting harmed or hurt. The sand was not just dust, but my struggles and burdens that I was able to grind. As long I was able to transform what made me feel uncomfortable, I would not leave myself to end up in despair, even if one day I mourned, another day I wept, and after that suddenly I broke and violently returned to pieces. The daily grinding was only a way of thriving, and breaking into small pieces I was able to transform and travel across the world, taken away by the wind, washed by rain, and warmed by the sun.

“Only in drama does it end with the tragedy; in life it grinds on. Moanday, tearsday, happy days, right through to Shatterdays. And Again.”

― Gayla Reid

I was left with no choice, but to grind, and while others slept and partied, my world got into a different shape and transformed values. I replaced the loud beat with soft cello tunes and my heels with fluffy sleepers while peeking my eyes at books and courses. I created a parallel world with everything that I knew before, but with a different layout, and radical changes in times. Days remained days, while nights were just extra hours added to my goals. Mornings were started over pretending that nothing happened overnight, like teenagers sneaking out the window before dawn, pretending they slept the whole night before getting ready for a new day of school. I passed through life with so many regrets, dreams, and mistakes, that I wondered if I could ever get forgiveness and understanding. However, I was there to experience and to try to live one more day, one more time, and to get another chance no matter the consequences. There was no perfect solution to do great work, and even though some days drained me and others frightened me, I couldn’t put the swords down and give up. When I was in the middle of the battle, no hunger or fear would be sensed, and I was caught in a vortex that spun my whole being like in a grinding machine. I was not looking for clarity and explanations, but for a chance to stop the struggles, and most important, what else could be transformed and left behind in a dune of sand.

“Doing great work is a struggle. It’s draining, it’s demoralizing, it’s frightening – not always, but it can feel that way when we’re deep in the middle of it.”

― Ryan Holiday

I stopped just to refill the grinder, but I was never able to turn it off because there were so many struggles to get done every day. I forgot about days of rest, the times when wasn’t everything so heavy, and I continued to run barefoot on cold ice or hot flames. I didn’t have time to imagine a different world because I was always caught in the one where I couldn’t fit in anymore but I couldn’t leave it. I was trapped and pressed down by the weight of life. I was losing hope and in that despair, I got farther away from others, locking myself in the darkest place of the soul, where nothing left or came. I was trapped in that world that I always wished to stay in just temporarily, and I realized too late that time wasn’t recoverable and everything I wished was pushed behind the daily tasks, never to be achieved. All that frustration accumulated and ignited everything in my being, longing for a change. The intensity of my soul managed to create from all those rocks I ground, solid walls of sand and tears, molding bricks for a hidden society. Everything I created around me looked dull from the outside and was seen as insignificant, but I was proud of my results, because in reality only from a certain perspective could be seen. The blend created was stronger than steel, and the bond formed with the positive thoughts in the negative environment was indestructible. There was always a fight between those forces that kept them attracted with an undestructive force. It never too closer, nor getting either far, were like opposite magnets, leaving enough space to fit my new world in. A secret space where I could feel comfortable and myself, surrounded by the real world, yet protected in my own bubble. It was just an empty space, hard to fill up, and enough room for dreams and hopes. The separation created always remained steady and nothing could destroy it again. Critique eyes could only speculate but never realized what was behind those walls that protected shiny eyes and a sad smile that managed to grind with unimaginable forces and build an empire from the struggles gathered. With the stones thrown, I worked daily for the achievement of personal goals, dreams, and a future where the world around me was not even important. I had my own world, and future struggles made only my walls ticker and my empire stronger. I managed to create a safe space not for society and high expectations, but for myself because I worked enough for my own peace to let the bastards grind me down.

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