I was meant to meet people who usually forgot about me, after an hour, a day, or later. Those that were still remembering were the ones that were still cherishing the moments spent together. Unless I had a strong impact on someone’s life, they always forgot me. I was left only with the beliefs I had about those who were in my life. However, what others and I remembered were two different things. Each of us was looking for something to have in our lives, something that we lacked, and we were searching either for kindness, lust, love, or adventure, but it would never be the same for all of us. I knew I shouldn’t trouble myself for not being seen the way I was. Some people were struggling with their thoughts, their foggy minds, and blurry sight. I couldn’t be responsible for them; I could only see them for what they were from my point of view. Some used to stay hidden in the closet, avoiding being seen and afraid of being judged. Others wanted to not get too much attention and avoid getting targeted for random reasons. After all, we were a pool of souls that were poured randomly into this world, left to blend in and survive in a place where rules were made from personal beliefs, false expectations, and memories that couldn’t reflect reality. My beliefs might have been different from one to another, and that was normal but was not acceptable when others’ points of view were shared and supported as the ones that need to be followed by everyone. Culture, religion, and political beliefs made these impossible and the division created crumbles and divided souls into smaller particles, forming the invisible world around us, tiny fragments of dust. I was skeptical regarding the invisible forces around us, yet I had them always around me in the form of thoughts, dreams, feelings, and expectations. From these invisible realities, I was molding and giving life to my beliefs and expectations, and it was my decision when I choose the ingredients for this dough. I could create anything I wanted, my reality would be shaped accordingly, and in the end, I got a product materialized in the person that I choose to become.

“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

― George Carlin

When things got rough and I was failing to fulfill my and others’ dreams, I was backing up by blending in the decor to make myself invisible. I was hiding behind velvet curtains, avoiding the sunlight, fearing that the raises will burn in flesh and expose my soul. I was covering my body with layers of protecting fat to make me less vulnerable and an easy target. I was pretending that all was fine to not wake up the demons that hunt the suspicions that would confirm my mistakes from my journey. I was talking slower and becoming less visible to not turn out to be the next subject for gossip. I was lowering my standards and I learned to avoid conflicts because being silent didn’t leave a chance to get involved in scandals. I dimmed my light and aspirations, and I blend in the decor with grey tones and fading colors, never too bright, never too shiny. My facial expressions were simple and basic, prioritizing natural beauty in front of bold and dreamy eyelashes. I was sitting next to the stove and dishes, lost in my thoughts scrubbing the grease from pots and pans. I was the last one to go to bed and the first one that woke up because I have been taught to give it all, regardless of how tired and alone I felt. I got my education from oppressed women figures from my family and society when being bold and outspoken was almost seen as a danger. I learned that sin was not only what I was doing, but also what I was thinking, and I feared to even dreaming too much, to not interfere with the divine. I have been taught to not leave people thinking about me and that I do not belong, I was not enough, and I don’t fit in their world. I was invisible by choice and limited by false beliefs that came from fear and worries about what people were thinking.

“Maybe it feels easier that way, just being invisible instead of always worrying what people think of you.”

― Leigh Bardugo

Now, knowing that I was the only one responsible for my life, and everyone around me was judging me only based on their beliefs and expectations projected into me, how could I be concerned and worried about what people think about me? I could become invisible and please the audience, or stand on my stage living my life the best I could, following my script? For those that wanted to watch, I sold tickets in the first rows and let them watch closely what meant to get a second chance and fulfill my dreams when all was lost, and all were damaged. How could I be judged for a play when they didn’t know the time was spent on rehearsal, how many times the script has been repeated and how many times it failed? When I looked at someone’s else life, I didn’t see also the preparation, the struggles, and the fears, I was just watching someone brave enough to get on that stage and perform. If that was the only time that the play was watched, every small mistake would be seen and judged. The ones closer to the stage would be the ones that would judge me harsher. The closer I was to the ones that saw me performing on life’s stage, the more chances I gave them to critique me the most because they were seeing me vulnerable behind the makeup and the costumes. The ones that came later didn’t know how the play started and would judge me less because were far away from my reality. In general, it was easier to be appreciated by those, because they didn’t know much about my struggles, they were not aware of the days of failed practice and all the times I crashed. They saw me in the perfect moment I performed, and those were the memories they cherished, away from all the failures that I had. For those people, I should bow low, and be grateful that I didn’t stay invisible. Those that have been closer to my stage, after every performance raised their standards and expect more from me, even though the play was always the same. After all, my performance was not for their higher expectations, but for exceeding my limitations, which kept me invisible and unknown. If one day I disappointed them, it had nothing to do with me, because I stayed if it was comfortable and necessary for me, I was not living my life for anyone else. My life stage didn’t happen for others’ entertainment, I didn’t get wealthy and ambitious selling more tickets to be seen. I stepped on the stage of life to never forget that being brave was the only thing I had and staying bold was only to not fall apart in a pile of rags left behind when the main character vanished and disappeared like the invisible man.

“You can just sit in here, impervious and invisible. So invisible you might even forget yourself.”

― Charles Yu

Becoming invisible was beneficial for my mental health because being always in front of the bright lights on the life stage was exhausting. I needed to stay away for a while to reflect on all the details and mistakes I made, without apologizing to the ones around me for the time I needed to spend for myself. After a big event in my life, I needed to let the curtains fall and step away from the strong emotions and from all the expectations that put pressure on my shoulders. In the nothingness I found my voice, in the silence, I cleared my mind and in the silent night, I recovered. When everything I did was not reaching the standards recommended for me, was probably better to step back and drop off the burdens that were too heavy for my tired hands. I didn’t disappoint people, I just didn’t meet their expectations, and their frustrations were projected onto my life, leaving me believing that I was a failure. I should forget them all because no matter how hard I tried, always someone found in my actions only disappointment. No matter how hard was to try to prove my innocence, my vulnerability and limitations were overlooked. I was judged that I was not even trying when I was the only one that knew that I gave my soul trying to prove my good intentions, but no one could see more than they were prepared to acknowledge. I was passing through life, meeting dozens of people that tried to project their failures into my life, and when I didn’t succeed to make even my parents proud, what was the reason to keep on learning from my mistakes? Becoming invisible seemed to be the best decision and after a period of molecular decomposition of my beliefs and dreams to live and grow in a place where no one knew what I had to face and how many struggles dissipate me in nanoparticles, seemed to be a great idea. In that vortex of invisible dust, my beautiful life and personal achievements kept on rising. Once I could find a new path to take, the life stage where I tried to be appreciated and loved, was left behind to get a layer of dust, swept from time to time by forgotten memories.

“I wish to stay invisible like the air that surrounds you and quietly help you to live and grow, and to see and enjoy the beauty of life.”

― Debasish Mridha

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *