Once upon a time, in the middle of the forest, in a small house with thin smoke from the top, a spare light shine through the crooked windows, where a young lady was getting ready for Christmas. The snow that felt off in the past couple of days, was making it even harder the access the back door, to bring dry wood for her chimney. She put one more time the wool covers for her boots, and wrapped them around the ankles, with some thick threat. The coat was old but it was still keeping her warm in the winter, and every week, she added one more piece of leather, stitched on top of the others. The black cover for her head left to see only her eyes, beautiful brown eyes, and a little of her pink cheeks, which instantly turned red in contact with the cold air. The shovel was next to the door, and some water was still dripping from the handle; she used it just minutes before. Two steps in the front and a big chunk of ice fell in front of her from the roof. “That was close!” Her heart started pounding fast. So many times she almost lost her balance on that thick ice, and many more, all her work was covered with more snow from the roof. Finally, she reached the shed and opened the old door that squicked loud and the wind blew through the holes. It was an old shed, that she found it there when she moved in, and never got a chance to fix it, but was good for storage and keeping the wood dry in the winters like those. “Five pieces should be enough for tonight”, she thought and she grabbed them with the wool mittens, the only memory left from her grandma that used to make it for her to stay warm. She closed the door behind her, and with her hands full of dried wood, started to balance again on the ice, like ice skating. It started snowing again, and the next morning she would need the whole day to clean up the path, but that night was Christmas Eve, and she had to finish decorating the tree.

Another piece of wood started to burn, and the flames were making light in the small room, dancing on the walls. She poured the hot water into the ceramic cup with dry herbs, and she moved next to the fireplace, from where the Christmas tree looked so majestic. The fresh-cut tree, in the light of the flames, with the red cover on the bottom, and white cotton around the branches, looked so precious with all the lights, the globes, and the angel from the top. It almost looked like the tree of life in the middle of the Universe.

On the very bottom, the red carpet looked like Pluto, shining a vibrated color that gave the surrounding area a beautiful reflection. The larger area from the bottom could be the Hyperboreans, the first part of our evolution with Saturn and Jupiter rotating from the branches. The middle part could be Lemurians, the seed, the warmth, and the love that kept the top and the bottom together. From the branches, were hanged, Mars and Venus, the feminine and masculine vibrations. The smallest part, greener and thinner was Atlantis, decorated with Apollo and Artemis. The small part from the very top with two fragile branches, like it was still growing and was not fully developed, was Aryan with his Mercury. Too small to hang anything from that part, but somehow she could see the top surrounded by Omega, Andromeda, Milky Way, Uranus, and Neptune. On the very top was a shining angel. The whole tree was decorated with stars from the solar system, luminaries went around like the solstice from the spring to winter, with those spherical globes similar to the planets, and the angel from the top, with one and only Polaris. The presents under the tree- were the gift she received in that life. The Carols were the harmonical sounds that healed the heart with lyrics almost mathematical. The reason she loved Christmas so much, was because it reminded her every year of where she was coming from, and where she would return after she would unfold all the mysteries from presents received on that Christmas Eve.

The first present she opened was “Karma“, something she wouldn’t expect less. Suddenly deep sadness could be seen on her face, looking straight at the flames, her thoughts went far away, back to those days when she was stuck in the same patterns. She used to take the same route to work, she used to see the same people, and she used to do the same things every weekend. Everything was the same until one day when she decided that she needed to change her life, but she decided to leave behind whatever she felt also, without knowing at that time, that everything she had, came after her in time, following like a wheel of fortune.

The first lesson she learned about karma was only a few miles away from her home. She looked nostalgic while she remembered how a grown-up woman, surrounded by suitcases that fit her whole life in, was on her knees on the floor.

She was at the airport in Rome, with big tears rolling down her face, looking at the plane that had just taken off to the destination she always dreamed of, New York. Probably wondered how that happened, for someone who planned everything ahead at least a few weeks before, and who was organized and meticulous in her entire life. It was hard to say, especially since everything was on time, and her first flight from Romania arrived a few minutes earlier. She even got a chance to enjoy a cup of espresso with almond milk, only the size of a thumb, whose flavor was out of this world, fresh, and a little bitter like she never tasted before. The airport was not that big compared to the one in Munich, which could be a good jogging exercise, but she took her suitcases and slowly rolled them down the aisle in the smooth noise of the squeaky wheels. She found her gate, and she chose a seat next to the big clean window so she could enjoy those giant metal birds landing and taking off. It was a little bit intimidating and scary, but nothing could stop her, she was on her way to changing her life, to make a difference
in the world, and she had big dreams in those two purple suitcases. She made herself comfortable in her chair, took the book from her purse, confident that was in the right place, earlier than usual for her, and started reading Daphne Adeane by Maurice Baring, a mysterious and beautiful story from the 1900s. She was caught by the story through all her senses, started living with the intensity of the boiling water that tried to find a way to absorb the whole heat, and spun around in circles out of curiosity, spinning faster and faster until someone turned the stove off. What happened? The airplane next to the window was making so much noise and made her lift her eyes from the book, so she stopped reading, and breathing.
It has been a while since she was sitting there. Did she even wonder when was her next flight? She took out the ticket from her pocket, and in a few seconds, from the boiling water, she was a hard piece of ice carved in the shape of The Scream of Edvard Munch. She couldn’t move, she couldn’t cry, she couldn’t even scream, she was stunned. It took her a few moments before she grabbed her suitcases and started running like a rolling bowl of flame with tears rolling down her face. She ran as fast as she could, faster than at any moment in her life, but it was too late. The gate was closed. The plane was gone. She thought her dreams were over. She went down on her knees and she felt like if the floor would open at that moment, she would happily just go inside and close it after her. She was in between two places, from where she left everything and where she didn’t have anything. She didn’t have enough money for another ticket, she didn’t have a working phone, she didn’t know anybody, and she was lost in Rome.

But even in the worst moment of her life, a good thing happened, because God didn’t let her wake up that morning without a reason. While she was there on the floor, a tall lady came next to her. Her name was Anne, and she was working for Alitalia, the same airline company she just missed her flight. She bent down to her and she started talking. At first, she couldn’t hear what she was saying, it felt like a dream when she told her: “Miss, we called you many times, where have you been?”. She was still crying when she told Anne in a slow and sad voice: “I was here”. Anne helped her get up and they walked to her desk. She couldn’t talk or ask for much, but Anne offered to spend the next two hours looking for a connecting flight, so she could get to her destination. In those two hours, her whole world spanned to the point where she couldn’t catch her breath. But just to find the ticket would be too easy. She had to pay in cash, a penalty fee in order to get another ticket. Annes and her went to the closest ATM and after a fast calculus converting the Romanian lei into euros, she realized that she doesn’t have enough money. She was missing 20 euros to get her ticket. Like all of those were not enough already, she was there, in the middle of the airport, asking for some change. She got 10 euros from Anne and another 10 euros as a discount from the airline company. She felt so blessed at that moment. After the whole process, Anne handed her the tickets, took her to the right gate to make sure she would be on the next flight, and left.

She could finally breathe normally, but she was still holding the ticket tight in her hand, looking from the big window, rewinding in her mind the episode that just ended. She knew then that her luggage was too heavy to carry in a new world so she had left in Rome all her fears, her tears, her regrets, and she stepped into a new life that was just about to start.

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.”

― Eckhart Tolle

From that day to Christmas eve, passed many years, but the memories she had, were still fresh to remind her of the turning points of her life. She was far away in time and has been traveling many times through her life path, but always felt that was something else she couldn’t discover. As she wanted to put the box of karma down, thinking that those lessons she learned, heard an unusual voice around. “Do you hear the loud noise from the torn paper?” asked the voice. First, she looked around scared but answered almost instantly “It sounded like a piece of rusted metal foil cut with a broken scissor.” The voice continued asking “Do you smell the ink from those letters left unfinished?” Her voice trembled as she answered, “It smells like fresh tears that didn’t have time to dry out“. Lastly, the voice question was “ Do you see the pile of ripped letters from the floor?” She turned her face to her desk, and with sadness in her voice said, “It looks like broken pieces of a soul from someone who couldn’t sleep for nights thinking of the loved one.” Almost like a strict teacher, the voice continued “Now imagine how would you live with the deep disappointment of something that you never actually knew and loved. I do not think is something worst in human feelings than the one when the heart hurts. It is an uncontrollable feeling when someone feels helpless, weak, and lost. It can look like a tear in a wall, like the wind that blows from there, like the water that drains from there and never heals. The only one who does not fit through that tear is the sun, and nothing makes the days brighter when you have a broken heart. I might not even be real, but tell me, how can you love someone that you never met before”?I do! I can!“, she sighed, “There is not such a thing“, said almost arguing. “We met before, in many lives, and many times. It has been nights and days dreaming of him, I sketched his charming smile in my dreams, and I imagined the moment when we will meet every morning that I opened my eyes. My hands were sweating, and my heart was pounding so hard every time I heard the phone ringing. The coffee that touched my lips reminded me of his soft and bitter kiss. His eyes were brighter and more curious when he looked at me. He has always been with me, in every moment when I cried, or abandoned myself in other men’s arms. I searched for his calm words in every book I read, in every movie I watched, and in every song I listened to. I do, I loved him even before I met him. His love tears me apart and keeps me alive when nothing else can do it. He is the hope I kept in my broken soul, he is the true love I never felt, he is the desire that burns my heart, he is my favorite part of this human life.” Her cheeks turned red, as she pleaded with so much passion her argument. But the voice sounded nostalgic after her discuss and continue to tell her “You are free to make whatever choice you want, but you are not free from the consequences of your choices. When there is a choice to be made is never ours because was already decided what we wanted. The faith and hope you put in someone’s else hands would leave you homeless.” Almost disappointed she said “This is what kills me the most in this life on Earth. Why must we leave our lives in someone’s else hands to decide the future for us? I wished for something with all my heart and I was willing to give it all, but then is a choice to be made. My life would change forever, and a new path would follow the choice made.” Looking nostalgic at the flames she said almost for herself” All these crossroads just make the journey so complicated, and the roads get so tangled. I always wonder if other choices were being made, how would my life look like today? The choices I made with my first kiss, my first night of love, my first heartbreak, and my first marriage, would change the person I am today. Probably it would but would that change my purpose in life also?” Almost disturbing her thoughts, the voice sounded clear and firm “To have the power to reunite two broken hearts that shared their life together and came to a crossroads when things felt impossible to recover, would be a gift to have or a curse?“. She sighed and continued like she remembered hard moments from her life “I would take that choice for my soul’s protection and I would be grateful that two hearts that almost lost each other, reunited. Firstly, I would have to move over my indecisions that came with youth age when being petrified of the words he told me in the night with the silver moon, I found he loved someone else. Not even the sweet escapes from the front window after the train passed close to midnight would count anymore. Walking in the dark with fear but excitement for a few hours before things disappeared in the morning would not care anymore, either. A choice was made already. Secondly, I would have to move over my surprise for being left behind without explanations for someone else in a different country. Those cold winters cuddling under thick blankets, new songs that kept us company till morning would be forgotten. The cold coffee in that empty place and the mother that knew the choice he made and was best for her son, could not respond to my questions anymore. A choice was made already. Thirdly, I would have to give up on a lost soul that could not decide his path. It was better to leave behind what never could be possible when everything crumbled in front of my eyes and broke into pieces that were about to change forever my heart. The freedom and the courage to take control of any type of situation, couldn’t make me more thankful for those times. The rest of the memories just vanished as they had never been before, and if one day in front of me would be to see again those people, I would just match them with a ghost that disappeared as was never meant to be. The choice was made already. Lastly, I would have to go over on what broke me the most and put me back in the best shape I ever had. The choice was in my favor and without that tower moment, I would never realize that prisons were made not for stubborn believers like me. But after all those moments of regret were overcome, and I cleared the path, I was ready to meet him. I had to forget for one moment everything I knew before him and trust love again. One look, one moment, and everything got stopped. Working my whole life to clean the roads and to create a safe map for my journey where he would put flowers on my way. Soft and delicate petals under my bare feet, not scared of stepping into the unknown. He created the sweet smell of almond honey on his lips and cedarwood in his hair. He had the look and the charm for being admired a whole life further and still would not be enough to count the sparkles in my eyes. His look, as I had never seen before. His touch, like never felt before. His kiss, that never tasted in my life. No more crossroads again, and emergency lights, when turning and leaving behind just dark. No silver moon, no shining stars, no wheel’s tracks, just the sign that was there for me to help me make the turn and move forward.” 

            The room got quiet, the crack from wood sounded louder and then the voice said” Choices are made to change directions, but those choices change a person for the rest of their life. Choices are made to mess up what you would never know and what you would never feel again. To move on from a choice is powerful and weak, is never enough, and never again. Is the oath you make all the time, and the one you will always break. The only way to escape a choice is to never have an option. You are no more than an architecture that once was built from marble and shined with pride on its solid foundation. You fill up your knowledge and you gather everything you could in your brilliant mind. But there is so much that you can add until your capacity reaches its limits. Everything you accumulate in a lifetime becomes denser to the point where there is no space left to add. In extreme pressure and an intense process of metamorphosis, everything you have turns into a stone that feels heavy in the stomach. Whatever was fluid and flown warm in the soul, got stuck in the gather and nothing leaves or comes. You are stuck in your body without an emergency exit, you are forced to live with the ruins you gather around you. Is not help to wash and polish the outside, attaching a beautiful smile when everything inside is rotten. When you cannot give or gain, you get stuck in the roots too deep to move, too weak to pull, and slowly you get abandoned and forgotten. You leave one more brick to fall, you let the rain wash the wounds, and you allow the wind to go through your empty rooms.” Her eyes sparked fire as she looked across the room, she stood up and asked loud and fast like she was afraid will never get the answers to her questions “Is it even worth building? Is it even worth loving? Is it even worth living?” The voice continued slowly trying to bring her calmness “You have a window of time when you can create, succeed, and shine, but time, does not wait, and the shininess gets dull. You have the spark, you have the lust, and you have been polished with every good intention, unfortunately, for the wrong people. Someone can break you in pieces and shred your feelings in a grinder, but who is going to want an abandoned soul? You are looking for expensive things, and you forget to repair and refurbish what was damaged. You are throwing words at people like they are nothing, and do not try their shoes to see what means to suffer from abandonment. When there is no place for regrets and there is no time for patching, where do you leave? You follow a path that takes you nowhere in a time that shows only seconds. There is a single road to walk on, and no one turns around; you keep on walking when nothing is left to build, to love, or live“. “We are quiet when we are alone because there is nothing to entertain a sad soul? she asked curiously. The voice continues” You sit in your place waiting for something to move you, but stillness is kept in place, and not even wind is passing by. No one knows what time you cried when you went to bed and if you ever made it in the morning. So many people are left behind, and no one is checking if there is any help to give, or if there is something you might do. You are the shadow that moves around, and once you leave the room nobody remembers you were there. You move too fast, you never look behind, you abandon souls that love you, and you do not have any regrets. You see the light is open until midnight, but no one knows what is the reason: someone was sick, or they just wondered, they needed help, or only praying? You have dreams you want to accomplish with too much passion, you are trying until you can succeed, and when you cannot continue, you take pause. You do not love someone and then abandon them, you do not plant a tree, and then you do not water. You are getting tired and you rest, you get up and continue because no one has an excuse for their responsibilities. You abandon your home and leave in places too far from your heart, you abandon dreams that you will never achieve, you abandon souls that do not know any better than loving you, and you abandon yourself and become just ruins.” She asked almost crying ” Will he not come? Love is not real? Everything was only in my imagination?” Before she could ask any more questions, the room got quieter, and he did not say a word. She waited there for a while, for a sign, for a noise but she realized the voice would not come back, and her questions will remain again unanswered.

“Most misunderstandings in the world could be avoided if people would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?”

― Shannon L. Alder

She put the karma box aside, heavier and damaged, and picked another present, the “Ego“. – continue reading in the next part

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