I was usually asked at the end of the year, if my dreams were fulfilled and if I achieved the wishes I had. Well, after 365 days was a little hard to even remember what dreams I thought of the previous year unless I still had a list somewhere or a dream board. If I would only follow the rules strictly and focused on the achievements I probably had them done. The purpose of any new year should be that everything must be unpredictable and unknown, otherwise, I would just follow a script without anything exciting in there. Not all of us could be obedient, and I was driven by passion and desire that broke the stereotypes all along and could even have the power to change the wind for the mainsail. If the events from a whole year could fit in a page of the notebook, I had to reconsider my way of living life on Earth. I wasn’t thinking I had to backflip every day and tried different foods and crazy sports and activities, but to do something I would remember that life was worth living if I was willing to feel it. I could see a picture of a beautiful sunset on my friends’ social media, but I couldn’t feel the breeze and the joy of seeing those waves crashing to the shore. I could receive a bottle of pink sand from the Bahamas or a black one from Hawaii, but I couldn’t fill it up also with feelings and emotions. I could be comfortable on the couch, watching movies of destinations full of unexpected things, but could I truly live just with dreams and illusions? Unless I packed my stuff and got out the door, all those dreams were wasted. When I wanted to tell others how my experiences were from a year in a minute of video recap, that really mattered to anyone? No one else would understand what was in my heart and what my eyes saw in life’s journey. What I wouldn’t keep in my memories, were regrets. Regrets that couldn’t change a failed year. Regrets that would follow me no matter where I went, but damn how heavy were and how much pain was in those little beads that stuck in my mind and drained my soul. I should not leave regrets to fill my dreams and memories, even if I didn’t have a recipe for happiness. Getting back to the initial point, to be able to review a whole year’s worth of events meant I should live again my life, but was I strong enough to do so? Was I ready to hear about the experiences that I felt? Was I able to taste the feedback from others who only heard an episode about my life, but did not know the whole story? Was I even interested to go through painful moments one more time?

“Summarizing is when you take a story that is complicated and interesting, then stick it in a microwave until it shrivels up into a tiny piece of black crunchy tarlike stuff. A wise man once said, “Any story, no matter how good, will sound really, really dumb when you shorten it to a few sentences.”

― Brandon Sanderson

I went through different stages of my life, and sometimes I followed the pattern of a heartbeat diagram, with ups and downs. The people I met on my journey could be part of my ascension after a fall or a downfall from a higher point. There were many of these moments, but I made it to the end of the year, and it was not relevant to count if were more ups or more downs. I made it through! Everything kept in a higher or lower place could bring me tension, I couldn’t feel the flow of life, and I couldn’t be upset when things were not in the right direction. I got lost in my journey, I stopped for too long and I run to catch the lost time. However, there was no script to follow when I lived my life. If that would bring me joy, I would stop and listen to birds chirping, see flowers blooming, or anything that catches my attention, because there was not a strict pattern to follow. But there was no unlimited time, and those white nights or worries, the money, and all the values would not come with me. The other’s opinions and feedback, and everything that ever worried me would stay behind, and what I took with me were the memories I left to be cherished. I enjoyed it too, no doubt, but if I had to leave something for those who stayed a little longer than me, I wanted to be the little things and the moments spent together. It was true that everyone would have a different experience in their lives, but what mattered the most? Yes, I was sad, I was happy and I was real because life was made of all of those. To say about someone that was not worth having my friendship, or was too weak, or maybe full of self, would be so selfish. I didn’t read and judged souls, I only perceived others from my own beliefs and past experiences, would that make me superior to others? How much was worth a heartbreak, or a loss? How much did it hurt to go through an illness, or how much did someone could enjoy the achievement after long work? I was focused on myself and I didn’t try others’ shoes, because I didn’t have time and I had other priorities, but when I needed friends myself I got upset for not being understood. I was sorry if their feelings were hurt by my words, but I was selfish and unfair. Why did I even care about others’ feedback when all they had was a slice of my pie, a small piece, or just an episode from my life? We should show first compassion to others, to listen and understand before judging and putting labels. I could be more understanding because sometimes we are the only ones that we have in our lives. It was not easy to pull myself up and motivate myself to move forward. It was not easy to have to play on stage when I was the artist, the audience, and the judge. I had to be kind to myself because I did not have anyone else closer in life. When everyone left and it got quiet, I was alone with my dreams, my failures, and my expectations. Whatever stayed in my power was worth working hard, but if anything depended on others, I didn’t set my expectations too high and did not expect more than I could have for my own sake. I was going to save my soul and I was going to make myself feel better, I didn’t have to prove more than I could have, and gave more than I could afford. I kept my self-esteem and self-confidence and protected myself from those from outside who didn’t know my whole story.

“A man with a healthy self-esteem and self-confidence that is not fluctuating according to outside feedbacks,will not let himself be influenced by anyone around him.”

Ursula Sandner

I was not going to satisfy others’ expectations, or probably I set mines too high anyway, and what was actually important was to have my own conclusions. I would be wrong and everything applied differently in every case, but if the last year made me get out of my comfort zone and push my limits maybe it was a good year after all. It was not easy to be stirred and swirled in a tornado without a direction but to get out of it and follow a new path it was so damn powerful. I followed my own instincts, used my own reasons, and I come to the conclusion that was the best achievement I could get out of the earthly experience. I didn’t know where those paths were taking me, but falling and still being able to get up and put one foot in front of the other was motivating. To be able to conclude that I couldn’t took better decisions, even for that small portion of the journey was an empowering feeling. I got to the end of the year and I asked where would be the next destination. Who would come with me? How long would my journey be? Was that even important to worry about? I met people that came with me only to the bus station and carried my luggage, others spent days or months traveling with me, and I kept some in my soul for a lifetime. I got distracted and my journey felt longer than anticipated but the delays were adding true value and memories to cherries. The destination was always unknown, but the journey always was felt and embraced everything that was brought in. I wasn’t afraid to try, to jump, to slow down, no matter what I found, I just couldn’t stop. I had hard nights that broke my soul in pieces, but I also had tears that washed away all the pain. When the lights won in front of the night darkness it was when I had another proof to stand up and keep on going. The truth brought strength and the journey never ended when I tried. I wasn’t afraid and sad about the year that ended, as long as the new year started, there was still hope. Life would flow, and days would pass, I just didn’t want to waste them with regrets and worries. I could make it, I could make it worth living, worth feeling, and worth spending another year of my life on Earth.

“The only advice … that one person can give another about reading is to take no advice, to follow your own instincts, to use your own reason, to come to your own conclusions.”

― Virginia Wolf

Why things were not different? What could be changed? How would I do it next time? Who would be next to me? All these open-ended conclusions were not even relevant, because the year finished already. I got a new notebook to fill up with new adventures, and I promised that next year I would not have regrets like last time. One day would be the last day and no one else knew when would see me for the last time, who would kiss me or make love to me or when would be my last sunset, or feel the last raindrop on my skin. I did not have just a year to fulfill my dreams, but a life that would only last, year, after year, until the end of time.

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