I failed sometimes in my clumsy journey, and many times I barely moved in and out of bed for basic tasks. I tried to keep myself in standards, but those who made those rules were either drunk or out of their mind. I had to grow up without love around me, to learn the hard way that life was full of challenges, and I had to accept it because “everyone does”. I sailed on these waves of life, one foot above the drowning stage, and I had to put so much effort sometime to just keep it in a stable state. Unless my life vehicle would be a yacht, which never happened to exist, most of the time I was just going on my journey in a paddleboat, or even a small kayak. I counted on my powers, when my hands got tired, I needed to stay still, took that break, and kept on going after rest. But all these days were wasted in front of my eyes, and many times I thought I couldn’t change it. I had hidden secrets that not many talked about, yet, I still had willpower. I was imprisoned in my mentality, based on my experiences, beliefs, and expectations. I had to deal with so many difficulties and I did not know what life was without struggles and was still fine. I could change it; I could break those chains even though it seemed impossible at that time. I had to give time for heartbreaks to heal, for the dust to settle and for people to move on. However, there were some golden rules that I had to consider at a certain point in my life.

“If you have a dream, don’t just sit there. Gather courage to believe that you can succeed and leave no stone unturned to make it a reality.”

― Dr Roopleen

The first rule was that I shouldn’t blame others for shining love into the darkest corners of my heart. The second rule was that I shouldn’t be upset about those bringing me peace in the chaos I had in mind. The third was that I should be never left behind the ones that they believed in me. The most important was that no one should tell me how to feel and how to love, I was free to live my life the way I desired. I was only deciding if I want to participate in that situation or not, and those people that I left to come into my life should be the only ones that made me feel fulfilled. For that I had willpower, and I could choose more carefully. I did not know what was fair, but I would continue to make decisions for what was good for me. What would I do if I would know I cannot fail? It was perfectly fine, and I would discover what was best for me when I would be either curious about it or ready for it. However, what I would do was look from the outside, do some window shopping, inspecting the facade and the charade I left for everyone to see. If I would like it, I would enter to check out the space and decide later for further steps. The way it looked inside, the way it smelled, and the way it was presented were very important to help me decide. If I would want to stay for a coffee, I might ask for one. How did that coffee taste? It was sweet and pleasant, had a few spices, had milk, or was black and bitter? If I would enjoy it enough, I would return for lunch and stay for dinner, but if I would not return, I would be left with the memories that the coffee that I received was not the one I was looking for in my future. I was in rush, grabbing on the way a venti cup, too big to carry, too much to enjoy it. I covered it, and without looking I gulped it in hurry. It couldn’t be that easy just to know from drinking a cup of coffee, but if I would take some time to enjoy it with everyone I met in life, many of my disappointments would dissipate and vanished.

“There is a secret for greater self-control, the science points to one thing: the power of paying attention.”

― Kelly McGonigal

I would not always win, because there was not always a competition. Sometimes were lessons to learn, to give, or just to feel emotions. Every stone I stepped on and every path I took was based on my willpower. Even when I was getting to crossroads I had to move forward. From the many options I had to trim them and in the end were only two of them: the battle between the heart that believed in my dreams and the thoughts that fought them back. To surrender would be too easy and giving up would be a sin. I saw in others what they couldn’t see even when looking in the mirror, and I got the urge and need to help them believe again, and I gave unsolicited advice. But I could only know for myself what was my purpose and what I should count on in my life. I couldn’t be responsible for other people’s actions, their trauma, their loss, and their imagination that led them to the mess. I was the only that run to win the prize and the only one that put the obstacles in front of me. I made mistakes and, I have been judged for them. I lost my hope just to find it always in my heart. I was running to catch the falling stars, to have my dreams fulfilled, but I forget that first, I had to face my enemies: temptation, self-criticism, and stress.

“The biggest enemies of willpower: temptation, self-criticism, and stress. (…) these three skills —self-awareness, self-care, and remembering what matter most— are the foundation for self-control.”

― Kelly McGonigal

Regardless of all the mess around me, those people that lied to me when I trusted them the most, or those who never took their time to listen, I was the only one responsible for my life. I needed to anchor my roots deep in the soil, take my time and build a solid foundation because I came on this life alone, and in the end, I would exit it the same way. To be able to face the challenges of my life on earth I needed strength, I needed to be honest with myself and learn from every mistake and person that I met. The challenges would be numerous, too many sometimes to be able to understand all the reasons for going through everything. My heart would be the center of myself, the one that kept me in equilibrium, and the one that would always show me the directions and the path I needed to take. I followed my intuition, and I overcame most of my challenges. I always had the willpower to decide, and even when I did mistakes and failed in life, I had to keep on moving forward. I knew that one day every piece of the puzzle would fall into its place and looking at the big picture I was able to analyze and understand that was a journey that I created piece by piece in the most beautiful experience I could ever have. I had a life on Earth, I loved, I cried, I worried, and I hoped, but most important of all would be that I had the will to dare to live them all and still stand my ground. I rose from the ashes and became every time a better version of myself. In the end, I would only remember how much I loved when I didn’t even want to try it. I did not choose to keep it quiet, to save my heart from pain, and kept that pale heart away from love and passion. Would I have to have regrets when I stopped counting the results? No, because I had willpower and even though I could leave a long time ago, I trusted my heart and stayed, because life on Earth was an amazing journey, even when it hurt.

“Power is not about outer force and control, but rather the power of self-presence and genuine self-control. By attaining complete self-control and realizing a truly integrated self, we will no longer seek an outer expression of power and will use power only when truly needed.”

― Shai Tubali 

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