My demons knew each other already and they made a pact to never interfere in my fights, so the duel was between my thoughts. No one could interfere in my reality and change my beliefs, and whatever was determining me to take decisions, was only from my own set of rules. I got caught in the vortex of events and I couldn’t discern between reality and dreams, I wished for things to happen in a certain way just to realize that my expectations were not met. I did not achieve my wishes because I did not believe enough, but because I obsess about it day after day, or I lack control over them. I couldn’t control my own body, and sometimes not even that seemed to be part of myself, living like a lost soul in a corpse that carried me from work to home. I was falling slave to the passions that consumed me with the lust that burned in my eyes and lead me to failure. I was not the master of my life, but a slave to my desires, and I was losing hope after each disillusion I created in my foggy mind. I was thinking I was in control, and that I could achieve what I proposed, I lived with the false impression that if I would stick to my plans everything would happen the way I thought. It was foolish and tough to believe that life couldn’t step up in front of me, creating barriers, forming illusions, and trying to divert me from my journey. I was hiding behind dark drapes my feelings and I was afraid to admit when I was weak because that would mean that I determined the fault to happen, and I left fail to determine my trajectory. Everything went down tumbling the road, not on the easy path, but on the rough one because I couldn’t control my passions, my emotions, and my words.

“My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them.”

― Jack Kerouac

How would I know the truth if no one told me? How could I distinguish between lies when all words were said with the same intonation? Should stay ignorant and pretend that all is fine, or look for answers and get greatly disappointed? Could I tear walls for someone that felt comfortable inside and was staying where felt secure? I could barely be separated from my criticism and compliments; how could I be able to move on with arrogance and with the tough in mind that I could never fail? I could block my heart from getting me in trouble, and live empty and deserted. I could distract myself from my limitations and try to become rigid and robotic, but for how long? I was just adding in a short distance a long row of domino pieces, brick after brick, adding more reasons to collapse. When the road built up and was long enough, whenever I thought that I would forget the past, everything came tumbling down, reminding me that nothing remains and there was no place to hide my feelings, resurfacing the failures I tried to hide. I could try to lock myself in my mind, but my heart would always remind me that everything was getting rotten from the core.

“Do not let arrogance go to your head and despair to your heart; do not let compliments go to your head and criticisms to your heart; do not let success go to your head and failure to your heart.”

― Roy T. Bennett

I could try to force and release my darkest thoughts with exothermic forces but was the power of endothermic reaction that would change me. I needed to find the way that would work for me, and that would happen after many failed attempts. One after another, these trials would feel like another death sentence to my life, believing that there was no reason to look forward to another try. Why does it even matter to succeed once when I failed thousands of times and the time wasted would never be recovered? Usually, the only time that worked was the last one, and I usually got there when I was already exhausted and too weak. When I tried too hard and used all the resources, the moment I would succeed would be the one when I could barely believe in any miracles, I would be drained by any desires, and I would rather accept that I failed. Tired of feeling lost and tired of letting go I would feel like a breathless disappointment, like blowing in 100 candles knowing that the next time might never come, or it would be hardest than the one before.

“I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”

― Benjamin Franklin

The actions of the ones outside of my inner peace could affect me only if I would allow them to influence me. I couldn’t be responsible for someone’s thoughts about me, as I couldn’t blame anyone for spending too much time in my mind. I tried as much as I could bare it, to try my best I could in the days that came. I couldn’t blame others for my mistakes, for getting me angry, or for all the failures I’ve been through. After all, I was just a passenger in a moving freight train, which sometimes added better wagons, and I could get a little more comfortable on my way. No one was forced to participate in the same games I played, no one was going to replace my struggles because everyone was in their way. I intersected with others in my journey, I shared moments in time, and in the end, we parted ways, each of us with our baggage and failures going on our way. Some of us would have different strategies to stop disappointing our expectations, but for others would be just another day of hope. One day I would be so tired of seeing the walls of this world torn down, a pile of disappointment, tired of feeling lost and from nothing left, knowing only that I tried, but failed in this domino effect of failure.

“You’re not obligated to win. You’re obligated to keep trying. To the best you can do everyday.”

― Jason Mraz

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *