I was driven by passion and desire and I was willing to lose everything for love. But why was I so naive and impulsive? It is true that I had different beliefs and I grew up in a different environment and country. The fairy tales were read as bedtime stories and girls were told were princesses before they could know what are those. Probably that’s why I felt more familiar with certain periods of time from the past and the Victorian period was an intriguing time to me. Some of those aspects remained imprinted in my genes carrying emotions through time, without being aware of what was actually going on. I saw it as a pretty period with ballrooms, rose gardens, and young girls with beautiful dresses, waiting to be seen and marry a wealthy prince. But in those times there were a lot of unknown and hidden aspects that I wasn’t aware of until very late. For example, knowing the meaning of love was forbidden before marriage and the price was too high to risk it all. With all the risks and consequences, in front of love, people did things out of their common behavior. Why love was always so blunt and brave and made people risk everything, even choosing death from so much passion and desire? A kiss in our day can be easily overlooked while the true meaning was lost, but in those times only one kiss could ruin a whole family’s future and could end up with a duel. But in that first kiss, were compressed all the longing nights, the dreams, and unspoken words. What we perceived as a simple kiss, in reality, incorporated everything that was kept in the heart, hidden and protected because the desire was a sin.

Speaking the truth from the heart was an insane act of courage, and was a virtue that could plead a case in front of the highest authorities or family. A lot of times I was also afraid to talk about my true feelings in front of others because I didn’t want to be judged, wanted to keep appearances or to protect my family. I left myself in the shadow and accepted what I was told because it was hard to stand up in front of a fire that could ignite at any time. Nobody wanted to see the moment when a storm met a volcano, but sometimes it was impossible to take a different route and the only way out was through it. The truth created disturbance and catharsis in my life and sincerity hurt when everything was told too bluntly. I choose to lie instead of telling the truth because I feared being hurt. I didn’t try to look different and I didn’t want to get back to the times when I was betrayed because another name or status wouldn’t give me a new and fresh start. I had a past, and I had flaws, but nothing made me more perfect than my imperfections accepted. I cared for others more than I loved them, but the most important was to have friends, and enjoy the moments spent together. Love was full of passion but it consumed like a chemical reaction in a matter of moments, but friendship burned on the back burner and kept it warm and secure, like a soft cushion that always had my back in case I was falling. I ignored friendship because it was not burning with the force of love, but when I crashed under the weight of life, it was the only one that could hold my ground. Friendship was like a strong foundation that no matter what challenged my life, kept the front line and never disappointed me. Unfortunately, love was a price too high to pay and the power of friendship was overlooked and unappreciated.

I needed communication to build the friendship foundation, compassion, understanding, and trust because the love I found was just envy, lies, and betrayal. I was hiding my true feelings and turned my heart from the ones that cared for me without realizing that when was already too late. I made assumptions based on illusions, when in fact things were totally different. I ignored them because I was too scared to show my true intentions and I thought nobody cared for me. For things to be clear and the intentions to be understood I thought I only needed an honest sentence, a look, or a kiss. But I met the same illusions I was fed from the fairy tales I knew so well. Unspoken words were confusing and made things look different than their true meaning, the honest ones were overlooked and not appreciated. The anger and disappointment I felt regarding situations were coming from my questions because I was just helpless and confused. Sometimes I avoided someone’s presence thinking that I would protect them from being hurt, without realizing that what hurt the most was silence. When I caused misery I was afraid to continue with any sort of action, thinking that one more drop could overflow it and lose everything. The clarity in communication lifted from my shoulders years of all the burdens I felt for so long. Honesty didn’t make me weak, but stronger because courage was passed by from a generation of souls that tried and never succeeded and not from the ones that never even tried. Luckily, we evolved from a Victorian time when women put their dreams and desire in a closed chest, to strong ones that could accept failure, deal with loss and betrayal, and still kept their heads up and kept going through all the obstacles that love came with. I have been looking for love based on those stories when Prince Charming was supposed to come and rescue me, just to realize that the only one that could save me, was myself and he was not coming anymore. I had to recreate the fairy tales in my mind and made the little me accepted that women were never meant to be only decorations and be kept at home as trophies, and real-life happened outside of the rose garden and ornated ballrooms.

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