I was taught from the first years of my life to behave and to stay still in a place, listen to my parents, teachers, and integrate into society. What did I want and what was my true opinion about all of these? Why nobody asked sincerely what I dared to accomplish, and why did I need to fulfill failed dreams of my parents? Why was I judged for daring to dream big and be punished for standing out of the raw? Was I considered for who I was or based on how I learned to fit in? What about me? What about love, trust, and everything that made me human and accepted for who I was? We are not questioning a tree that blossoms in the spring and loses all its beauty in the fall, standing naked in front of our eyes, still proud and unbothered. But I was scanned with sharp sight by everyone when I dared to have a different opinion that was accepted. Would I dare to stand up for my truth and speak my mind, or would I continue to lie to myself in a world where there was nothing I dreamed about? I wished my child and my best friends all the best and I shared with them all the love and attention I could give. I invested time in their dreams and expectations, or I took failed paths of my parents that put their hopes and dreams in my arms. But what did I want was the same as was expected? I left myself caught in this society that asked too much and was so superficial.

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
― Bernard M. Baruch

I was scared that if I would fail a great disaster will occur, I was afraid to disappoint those who believed in me, but was I not setting up those targets way higher? I could keep a smile on my face all day, but my jaws would clench and stiffen from doing that for so long. I could hold an empty cup in my hands and after a couple of hours, would become a burden too heavy to carry. I thought there was a small thing that was easy to handle, but in fact, in time everything became too heavy to carry, too hard to hold, and too much to handle. That beautiful heart that carried so much love, became petrified and couldn’t feel the same as was destined to do so. Those sparkling eyes became blurry and heavy with tears that were afraid to let fall, to not disappoint the ones around, lacking courage and dignity. But how much I could pretend that being strong was what was most important? What about me? I was a child in my soul’s longing for love, for someone to care for me, and to feel protected. I stood still and ignored the beast that was in front of me, believing that if I did not pay attention it would leave. But how long I could run away from my true feelings, from my dreams and my honest desires?

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I thought there would be always enough time for the things I cared about. I found myself caught up in my daily routine, and day after day I left less and less time to spend for myself. I put in the drawers all our dreams because I had responsibilities more important to solve, bills to pay, and accounts to fill up. But one day, enough was enough and from all the wealth I gathered, the savings I got would remain just the regret for the actions I never took. I was only one time young and full of passion, and once those years passed, all the beauty and madness faded out. I would have the time to be boring, but I would never have the chance to be ridiculous, laughing and traveling around the world, in search of new adventures. What about me changing these expectations, and reflecting more on my unfulfilled desires? Maybe there would still be enough time to catch that train that I missed once, and jump into a new adventure, unknown, unbelievable, and unexpected?

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”
― Marilyn Monroe

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *